by Jif Johnson
1.
Marcy Applesauce was a girl
whose heart was not in the right place. She would hold her side and
moan all night long. This upset her parents more and more and one
night Marcy's dad yelled, "You sound like a sorry old dog!" and little
Marcy heard him too. One morning Marcy's mom was making French toast
when she asked Marcy's Dad, "Where's our poor little Marcy?" When
they went to Marcy's room they found Marcy dead and Marcy's dad felt horrible.
When the scientists cut open Marcy's body it took them twenty minutes to
find her heart! How crazy!
2.
There was a boy named Billy
Finger who wasn't quite right. He'd know the answer but raise his
foot! I mean, if he said, "5 times 5 is 26!" you could be sure
that it was really 25 or 27. Of course someone like that couldn't
be a surgeon or a golfer and he should have been a folk artist but, alas,
he became a pharmacist. Well, as you can imagine, now he's rotting
away in jail because some old ladies were poisoned. Billy says it's
not his fault but, as always, he's only part right.
3.
A girl named Judy Squeamish
was always a little shy. She'd be almost old enough to drive or get
married when suddenly she was just too old. One day she tried to
jump down a well because she was sick and tired of being a runner-up in
life, getting B's in school, just missing the bus, and what not, but she
was just a smidgen too fat and got stuck in the well instead! Well,
that would be a happy thing for Judy because now the handsome fireman would
save her but, oh dear, she was just barely too far down to be rescued.
All the fireman could to was brush her hair (which was just short of being
blond). So, Judy starved until she was thin enough to fall to the
bottom of the well where she drowned. The funny thing is that she
died just one day before the fireman figured out how to save her.
4.
Jerry Holiday was very bright.
Even his mom said so. No one could ever sleep with Jerry. He
once had the idea of watching pretty girls so they could get a tan in the
winter but they didn't like him staring at them and especially not in their
bathing suits. Besides, it was cold! One night, after being
thrown out of the theatre, Jerry met a girl who was exceedingly dull.
They got divorced but it was good while it lasted. Besides, now Jerry
wasn't a virgin. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a bright nose
and everything worked out for him but that's just a dopey song. No,
for Jerry life would sort of stick in the "All of the other reindeer used
to laugh and call him names" part of the song. Oh well, screw him!
