Questions? Problems? Need advice?

Ask Jon. Send your questions to askjon@jibangus.com

4/22/01

Dear Jon,

This is the first time that I read your page. I¥m half polish and half german and my contact with the English language wasn¥t so intensive as I sometimes wish. So forgive me if eventually my English sounds unprofessional. I was very impressed by your answer to the butthole-hair question becouse I¥m studying medicine and it¥s nice to see people really get into the subject and help others. Anyway, what I would like to ask you is, can you help me with my sleeping-problem? The point is I¥m sleeping almost the whole day. I¥m missing the stand up impulse. Whenever I tell myself, tommorow you¥ll start your day earlier - it¥s failing. I know this is a sign for a depression, but I don¥t really feel that bad. And physically I¥m absolutely alrigt. I made different blood-tests. Can you help me out?

Bye

The Sleeping Beauty

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

The problem you describe is fairly common, and there are a variety of possible causes. But before I go on let me state that I am not a medical professional. I provide information, not medical opinions or diagnoses.

Your predominant symptom is excessive daytime sleepiness, commonly abbreviated as "EDS." A number of conditions can cause EDS. Let's start the list with the simplest and most direct cause:

Insufficient nighttime sleep-- Have you been getting enough restful sleep at night? It's not just the number of hours of sleep that is important. The quality of those hours is important as well. Your brain must be able to proceed through its normal cycles of alternating lighter and deeper sleep. Such cycles are disrupted by drugs such as caffeine and nicotine. Nighttime disturbances caused by external stimuli (i.e. noise) and internal stimuli (i.e. breathing difficulty due to sleep apnea) may be to blame as well. It can be helpful ask your bed partner or roommate whether you seem to awaken frequently at night since you may not remember these stirrings when you arise in the morning. Sometimes,in fact, your only awareness of these events is the EDS that results.

Another common cause of EDS is a shift in your sleeping pattern. Have you been going to bed later than usual or with more emotional stress than usual? Perhaps your natural day/night rhythm is set an hour or two "late." This is frequently true of those whose sleep time starts and ends late.

Have you ruled out illnesses such as mononucleosis? Such infections can cause extreme fatigue for weeks or months at a time.

Depression may be a cause of sleep problems or it may result from sleep problems. The relationship between the two conditions is a complicated one.

Narcolepsy is a disorder in which someone can drop off from consciousness to deep sleep without warning. Sometimes EDS is the only symptom but there are often other symptoms such as paralysis or hallucinations upon falling asleep. In addition, narcoleptics can sometimes collapse or begin to stumble or slur after periods of exertion.

There are several other causes of EDS, but they are rare, indeed.

What I would suggest, Sleeping Beauty, is that you discuss your symptoms with your physician. Your doctor can refer you to a sleep disorder clinic for observation and diagnosis. Then, you and your doctor can discuss treatment options. These may range from daytime napping to drug therapy to sleep journals to behavior modification.

I hope that I have been able to help. Let me know how everything turns out!

-Jon

Dear Jon,

I know you are sensitive because you not only sit by flowers but also don't have a shirt on and yet wear suspenders. In this last detail I meant to say you were sensitive but actually, mulling over your picture as I often must, I think this detail shows only that your nipples are likely sensitive. Those harsh, rough suspenders actually demonstrate your probable perseverance and willingness to suffer, to wear your heart on your sleeveless sleeve, in order to help me with my question. Which brings me to my question. I thought all sentences that began with "Which" were supposed end with question marks. Two sentences ago this was not the case. I know that a counter-example mustn't merely be a trick such as: "Which" is a word that has five letters in it, four of which are distinct. I also know that a counter-example mustn't break any other rules while breaking the one in question: Which of these bodies is yours. (Proper English REQUIRES a question-mark here--DEMANDS IT!) I don't think my counter-example suffers from either of these debilitating qualities but what do I know? I'm a dope! Can you help me with my problem? Oh, also, my teacher burns me with cigarettes.

Signed,
The Good Which

Dear Good Which,

Thank you for your kind words. Please remember, though, that my photo was the product of eight hours' work by a team of professionals. Believe me, that's not what I look like when I shuffle out to get the morning paper! And, Good Which, the suspenders are just there to hold my trousers up.

On to your question regarding the validity of your counter-example. I believe that the answer lies in the fact that informal usage is held to looser standards than is formal usage. "Which brings me to my question," is an example of folksy speech transcribed to written English. Of course, it doesn't "feel" proper. But it does help confer a certain casual friendliness to your correspondence. Would you use William F. Buckley Jr. syntax to give a toast at the Rod and Gun Club's Venison Feed? Probably not. (I'm assuming that you're not, in fact, William F. Buckley Jr.)

But pull your chair a bit closer to the screen. Just between you and me, I think what's really bothering you is that your teacher burns you with cigarettes. If this is a public school teacher who is intentionally hurting you, he or she must be immediately confronted. Tell your teacher that you do not appreciate being burned, and that you will contact the administration and the school board if the behavior does not stop. Then, follow through!

If you attend a private school, check the school's disciplinary handbook. Cigarette burnings may be permitted by the district. In that case, the best you can hope for is that your teacher at least pays for cigarettes out of his/her own pocket. You shouldn't have to subsidize your own mistreatment.

One last thing: cut out the "I'm a dope" bit. If you say that enough, even in jest, you'll start to believe it. You deserve better.

-Jon

I'm recently divorced. I had been with this woman for 13 years - since high school! So I'm unaccustomed to the dating game. How do I when (and if) women are flirting with me? I suspect that they are not, but friends tell me otherwise.

thanks - Barry Killdaryl

Dear Barry,

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. It's going to be hard to take those first uncertain baby steps into a new relationship, but soon you'll be back in the swing of things. Soon you will remember guy-gal skills that have lain dormant for some time. Sure, they'll be a bit rusty, but you have gained experience and perspective in the last thirteen years. You have a depth and a maturity that you did not have when you last embarked on a relationship.

It's time to use your age-enriched perceptive abilities to intuit whether women have romantic feelings for you. How can you tell if a young lady is flirting with you?

First, compare her interactions with you to her interactions with other men. Is she noticeably more engaged in your conversation? If there is prolonged eye contact, as well as occasional incidental physical contact, flirting may be afoot.

Does she seem to migrate to you at public functions, even when her friends wander in other directions? Does she laugh heartily at your comic remarks, even when you know they're not all that funny?

If she were to offer the same compliments to her father that she has offered to you, would your skin crawl? This is a pretty good indicator of serious flirting.

If all else fails, do what you did in high school: ask her friends what they think. If you do not know her friends, ask a trusted female friend of yours to observe the proceedings. She may pick up on signals that you miss. I know that your friends tell you that you're being flirted with. This may be the case. Remember, though, that as your friends, they are also your advocates. It's kind of like asking your mom if you're handsome. You will not get a detached, objective evaluation.

Having said all of this, I want to encourage you to have fun with your new "single" status. It will good to be on your own for a while, to let your personality re-emerge. Rediscover the joys (and fears) of independence. You've got your friends at your side and a world of possibilities ahead of you. It's an exciting time in your life. Enjoy it.

-Jon

What do the hairs around your butthole actually do? Am I gay? Is Paul gay?

-Heather

Dear "Heather":

Yours is a great question. Actually, scientists have been arguing over this one for some time. To put the matter in its proper context, it is important to remember that "butthole hairs" are actually pubic hairs. That is, they surround your anus because your anus is adjacent to your genitalia, not because your butthole "needs" its own hair. Do you see what I'm getting at here? The function of pubic and axillary (underarm) hair is thought to be twofold. First, such hair may help retain secretions produced by sebaceous sweat glands. These odors, the subtleties of which are often overlooked, may function as sexual attractants to potential mates. Second, the hair helps prevent direct contact and friction between moist skin surfaces that are prone to chafing. It's kind of like a dry lubricant.

Regarding your other questions, "Heather," all I can offer is support, not a verdict. I do not know whether you are gay or whether "Paul" is gay. Can we humans ever completely understand our own sexual drives, desires, and quirks? Should we ever understand these things? Wherever you find yourself in the pansexual spectrum, rest assured that you are not alone. There are others who will identify with you just as there are others who will identify with "Paul." I wish you a happy quest for self-awareness.

-Jon

Lately, you've been having trouble meeting women. Also, your penis hurts and you've been seeing a lot more red pandas than usual around town. What is your advice for me?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

I'm going to assume that your comments are written in second person because it makes you uncomfortable to see them in first person. You say you've been having trouble meeting women. Where are you looking? What are you looking for in a woman? Don't limit yourself to bars, unless you are actually looking for a relationship with a barfly. If you are, that's fine. Just be honest with yourself from the start. Be sure to let your friends know that you are interested in meeting women. More often than not, this is where lasting relationships are formed. Since your friends know what you're like, they'll automatically filter out ladies who would not be compatible with you. Also, keep your eyes and ears open, wherever you are. (Luck favors the prepared mind.)

About your penis - you need to see a urologist ASAP, particularly if there is any cloudy discharge. If there is an infection, antibiotics will clear it up. In any case, it's reassuring to rule out the slim possibility that something is seriously wrong.

Regarding the red pandas, there are at least two plausible explanations

1. You are a resident of the mountainous regions of Burma, Sikkim, Nepal or Southeast China. If this is the case, consider yourself an extremely fortunate nature enthusiast. These little scamps are on the endangered list, due to the elimination of much of their habitat. Zoos around the world need breeding pairs of red pandas, so do the red panda (and the red panda lover!) a big favor by telling zoo curators where to find them.

2. You do not live in the aforementioned mountain ranges, in which case the red "pandas" you are seeing are what we used to call "squirrels" when I was a kid. You're seeing more of them because they are hoarding food for the winter. Unless you are an acorn or a hickory nut, they pose no threat to you. Enjoy their antics from the warmth of your living room or den.

-Jon